The Poison Ivy Boy
by Lady Nerd
Summary: Little-Rock-Lee has been shunned from society since he was little... what will happen when he decides to rid his face of the ugly blemishes that disfigure it? Um... nothing to do with the actual show, just to forewarn... Parody, actually. R&R!


_AN: Heh heh... heh heh heh... Ugh. I don't know why I'm laughing, I'm dead bored right now... which usually leads to pointless oneshots. Enjoy!_

_Please no flames from Lee-Lovers... I love him, I really do. HE just fit in unusually well with something I wrote for creative writing... Enjoy!_

_Disclaimer: Don't own.

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In an large castle in Fairy-Land, covered in honeysuckle, there lived a BEAUTIFUL princess that went by the name of Selena! She had black ringlets cascading down her back, and hoped that, someday, her prince would come for her...

_Actually, I just proved to you how gullible humans are. This story revolves around a much unhappier topic. Selena is a figment of my imagination... let us begin again, this time, with the TRUE story of Little-Rock-Lee..._

In an old house in Greenville, that was covered in poison ivy, there lived a very itchy little boy...

His name was Little-Rock-Lee, and he was constantly scratching! People mainly called him 'Lee,' because the blemishes on his skin glowed reddest on his forehead, just above his rather large eyebrows... it was where he itched the most, so it was where he scratched the most, and, because of his scratching, the letters 'L-E-E' stood out ironically on his forehead.

"Little-Rock-Lee, lives in poison ivy!" the nearby children would chant, their tiny malicious faces leering at poor Lee... His hands were now accustomed to drifting of their own accord to scratch at the blisters that covered his deformed face. He would cry, cry, and cry again, tears cascading (similar to Selena's ringlets) down his horrible face! Oh the horror! If only he would find someone, SOMEWHERE to love him for who he was!

I know what you're thinking. "What about his parents!?"

He had no parents. Little-Rock-Lee, you see, was a SPECIAL little boy... he only wore green, for green was the color that helped him blend in most with the scenery. His parents had worn so much green, as a matter of fact, that they'd _disappeared!_ One day, they'd just blended right into their green wallpaper and had never returned! Little-Rock-Lee hoped, and PRAYED, that one day, he would blend in too... so his features would stop terrifying younger children, and his rash would no longer haunt the minds of the citizens! Oh, how he wished to take his uglieness away from the normal faces people!

Now you're thinking this: "Why didn't he simply move!?"

I'll tell you why- Little-Rock-Lee needed to take a bath in poison ivy leaves to survive. the side affect was his rash, and horrible redness, but if he did not do this, his lungs would deteriorate. And he'd be DEAD.

Although he considered himself a menace to society, Little-Rock-Lee HAD to live. His dream was to discover the Fountain of Youth, so his skin could become creamy and appealing again! But first, he needed a solution to his problems:

1) How to get there?

2) Who to go there with?

3) How to take a bath with ivy when he wasn't home!?

These were very pressing issues, you see, so Little-Rock-Lee HAD to think over them VERY carefully...

He decided he would get there by boat. That way, he could just poke a hole in it to take his bath, and bring a backpack FILLED with poison ivy for his lungs!

So that was TWO problems solved... but Little-Rock-Lee had a SECRET, that he held VERY close to his heart...

He was in _love_. With the prettiest, bestest, most AMAZING girl there ever was... Pretty-Pink-Sakura.

Pretty-Pink-Sakura.

Pretty-Pink-Sakura had beautiful, clear skin! Not even a hint of acne, or moles, or blemishes of any kind! Her short hair hung almost to her shoulders (Selena was jealous of the fact that she couldn't work the short hair like Sakura), and it was more special than ANYBODY'S.

... Wanna know WHY!?

...

Because... it was PINK. Yes, Pretty-Pink-Sakura had PINK hair. BEAUTIFUL pink hair! And pink lips to match them! And normal-sized eyebrows!

But... she was WAY above Little-Rock-Lee! She would NEVER go for his deformities, pustules, and horrible skin! Curses to the poison ivy! Little-Rock-Lee was even MORE determined to win Pretty-Pink-Sakura's heart!

BUT... there was ANOTHER problem...

He had _competition._ With... Chicken-Hair-Sasuke!

Chicken-Hair-Sasuke was the CUTEST, most attractive little boy EVER. And Pretty-Pink-Sakura was the PRETTIEST little girl EVER! It was meant to _be!_ Oh no!

But Little-Rock-Lee wasn't one to be put down. He had a secret weapon... _DEODORANT!_

New, AXE deodorant that he'd found recently while looking through his father's old belongings! It was almost empty, however, so he had to _use it wisely. _After all, it was the kind that made him "as irresistable as chocolate!" ... Whatever THAT meant.

Little-Rock-Lee took the opportunity when Pretty-Pink-Sakura was chatting with her bestest friend, Cute-Blonde-Ino (They were actually making fun of Uber-Shy-Hinata and Really-Tough-TenTen, but Little-Rock-Lee decided to ignore that). He cleared his throat loudly, and everyone stared at him...

"EEEW! It's Little-Rock-Lee!" some kids shrieked. Little-Rock-Lee covered his face with the sheet of notebook paper, and tried not to cry.

"I-I have a poem!" he declared boldly. "F-for the woman of my dreams! Pretty-Pink-Sakura, this is for YOU!" He then began reciting a poem of his own composition...

"She's so pink,

She doesn't stink,

I wish her heart and mine would link,

OH, Pretty-Pink!

I can't seem to think!

I get so nervous that I barf in my sink!

OH, how I love you, Pretty-Pink!" Little-Rock-Lee finished proudly, and stared at Pretty-Pink-Sakura's confused expression...

"NO WAY!" she finally barked. "CHICKEN-HAIR-SASUKE IS_ MY_ LOVE!"

"Hn." Chicken-Hair-Sasuke said thoughtfully. "Go with Little-Rock-Lee. I like Cute-Blonde-Ino's hair." Everyone GASPED!

"YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" Cute-Blonde-Ino cried, immediately rushing over to Chicken-Hair-Sasuke's arms. "DREAMS _DO_ COME TRUE!"

"..." the rest of Chicken-Hair-Sasuke's fans glared at her murderously...

"But Pretty-Pink-Sakura's MINE!" Believing-It-Naruto yelled, brandishing his cardboard sword. "MINE!" Pretty-Pink-Sakura stuck her tongue out at him.

"What do you want, anyway?" she added to Little-Rock-Lee. He gulped.

"... I-I wanted someone to accompany me o-on my j-j-journey t-to the Fountain of Youth! I need clear skin! It's a MUST- OW!" Little-Rock-Lee's rant was cut off short; Really-Tough-TenTen's teeth were sunk into his arm! Oh no! She spat it out, looking disgusted with herself.

"EW! You don't taste like CHOCOLATE!" she said angrily. "Why do you smell like it!?" Little-Rock-Lee was sweating profusely at this point...

"You should get proactive!" White-Eyed-Neji said cheerfully, holding up a bottle of a strange white liquid.

"..." There was a silence... He glared at everybody. "WHAT!? It WORKS! A skin complexion like my beautiful porcelain doesn't just HAPPEN, you know!"

"I-it did f-for me..." Uber-Shy-Hinata muttered.

"I tried that," Little-Rock-Lee said dully. "Didn't work. It's for acne, and I have poison ivy."

"I WANNA GO TO THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH!" Believing-It-Naruto shouted. "WHO'S WITH ME!?" Everyone raised their hands (except for Too-Cool-Itachi, who was just too cool to hang with his little brother.)

And just like that, Little-Rock-Lee's problem was solved...

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"MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!" White-Eyed-Neji yelled, shoving people into the crammed boat. Everyone squirmed to sit as far as possible from Little-rock-Lee...

"He still hasn't let go..." Little-Rock-Lee said miserably, gesturing towards No-Fleas-Akamaru. Freaking-Adorable-Kiba grinned wolfishly, and didn't make any move to detatch his dog from Little-Rock-Lee's arm...

"Ya' shouldn't have put that chocolate stuff on." he replied. Loves-Bugs-Shino sneezed loudly.

"I think I'm allergic to that stuff." he said in his toadally deep voice. Freaking-Adorable-Kiba laughed, and sprayed the Axe stuff everywhere...

"DIE, DOG!" Loves-Bugs-Shino shrieked, as Incredibly-Smart-Shikamaru restrained him from pushing Freaking-Adorable-Kiba overboard. Pretty-Pink-Sakura sighed...

"This is going to be a long trip..." Chip-Muncher-Chouji muttered, casting wary glances at everyone...

"BUT IT WILL BE WORTH IT!" Little-Rock-Lee shouted, throwing out his chest. "MY SKIN _WILL_ BE BEAUTIFUL!"

"Oh, shut up!" Uber-Shy-Hinata snapped, surprising everyone as she slammed a paper bag onto Little-Rock-Lee's head, so they wouldn't have to see his blemishes... Believing-It-Naruto grinned, and kissed her cheek. Her eyes widened.

"That's Uber-Shy-Hinata for ya'!" he declared proudly. Neji punched him, successfully breaking his nose... blood spurted everywhere...

The rest of the journey passed in silence...

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"THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH!" Little-Rock-Lee yelled proudly, casting aside his paper bag. "NORMALITY, HERE I COME!"

But it wasn't that simple. You see, the Fountain of Youth was guarded by a TERRIBLE, GREEN, MONSTER... (with nice skin, of course).

"STOP! YOU MUST FIRST PROVE YOUR YOUTHFULLNESS BY ANSWERING THIS QUESTION!" the moster said. Everyone stared at him...

"WHAT IS THE QUESTION, OH MIGHTY-GREEN-MAN!?" Little-Rock-Lee demanded.

"... WHAT... IS... UNDER PERVERTED-MAN-KAKASHI'S MASK!?"

"... Another mask, duh!" Pretty-Pink-Sakura said, as if it were obvious. The monster blinked.

"Really? Seriously? That's so BORING!" he complained... but nobody heard the rest of his words, for Little-Rock-Lee had dived into the Fountain of Youth...

"Oh no! Stop him! For if he drinks too much, he will be turned into a baby!" Mighty-Green-Man shrieked, sounding like a terrfied schoolgirl. But it was too late...

Little-Rock-Lee had turned into a toddler already, and his head was rapidly shrinking...

Pretty-Pink-Sakura yanked him out, but it was WAY too late... a tiny baby (with an incredible skin complexion to rival Neji's) sat on her lap, looking confused... Uber-Shy-Hinata burst into tears... Believing-It-Naruto gave her a one-armed hug as he, too, stared at the thing in grief... and suddenly everyone was crying... crying over a pointless journey, and crying over Little-Rock-Lee's lost memory...

"I-It's so h-horrible!" Really-Tough-TenTen choked out. Mighty-Green-Man seemed the saddest of all...

"Well... we may as well... don't you reckon?" White-Eyed-Neji asked Chicken-Haired-Sasuke miserably. He nodded slowly, tears pouring out of his red eyes... Without further drama, they put the paper bag on Little-Rock-Lee's head, and scooped him up.

"WAIT! LEAVE HIM WITH ME!" Mighty-Green-Man shouted as they turned to leave. Cute-Blonde-Ino shrugged, and handed him over... They left the island of Youth, and traveled back by boat to Konoha...

And thus ends the story of Little-Rock-Lee... he grew up, and married a napkin. They had children with wonderful skin.

_The moral of the story: Appearance does not matter. You will be turned into a toddler if you pursue beauty. I will see to it._

Alternate Ending:

Little-Rock-Lee's blemishes never left, and he wandered alone through the rest of his life... with a paper bag over his head, of course. He was never loved, and eventually faded away into non-existence, just like his parents...

_But on the bright side... Selena's prince never came to her either!_

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_AN: You like!? Please review, even though it was the most random thing I've ever written!_

_Cheers!_

_-Comedy_


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